Monday, April 7, 2008

Drunken Dandelion

I can’t ever remember my husband dressing me, or brushing my hair. I’ve never really wanted one of those Francine River moments where I let down my hair and my lover tenderly brushes my locks before we have hot sex. I mean, not that’s it’s totally of no interest. I was only towel-drying my hair after I got out of the shower when something happened to my neck. I managed to inch into the bedroom and fall on the bed moaning for Denis. When he arrived he was so concerned I thought of faking a faint to see where that got me. Anyway, he got my shirt on backwards the first try, and he kinda of brushed my hair - gouging my scalp, and scraping my ears. (It’s been a long time since he’s had hair of his own.) By then I was heavily into meds and didn’t care if I looked like a drunken dandelion head, but the occasion wasn’t entirely lost on me – it was a first.

With little ammo dumps going off up and down my right side, I shuffled into the chiropractor who, I think practices a form of chiro-voodoo. He doesn’t chant or anything, but he’s so cheerful about pain, which bothers me a little. “Lie down,” he says, “and we’ll have a look. Oh, you can’t get down there.” Thankfully, his tray table stands on end and if you can walk over, plant your feet in front of it, and lean forward slightly, you can ride the thing to a prone position. After gently tapping my spine, bending my knees, and asking me to look over my right shoulder – which I couldn’t do in any case, he said, “Okay, then. That should calm down, now.” “So what’s WRONG?” I wanted to wail, but I said it quiet, like I was only marginally interested in my ruptured disks and severed nerves; I couldn’t even breath without screaming. Inside. But no, he said I’d just wrenched my neck. I did start to feel better, but my day was shot, and I was discouraged.

Back home, Denis got me settled on the couch so I could watch daytime television. I wanted to see Jack Van Impe talk about End Times even though he makes me want to convert to Islam (temporary feeling). I want an illustration for my next Notes, but no Jack. Only Paula, the blonde with witch-nails. (I’d like some myself, except I don’t think I could afford them.) She’s sitting in a Queen Anne Chair, saying sincerely, “…you wouldn’t miss a doctor’s appointment or an appointment with your hair-dresser, so should you miss an appointment with GOD?” No, ma’am. I move on. An interior designer is re-doing a house so the know-nothing bachelor can sell. Charles Bronson is killing someone. A young lady with a thin waist and gorgeous, fat lips (I’d like them, too) is in a top register pitching notes, “You tore up my heart…” Oklahoma is under a tornado watch and flights out of LaGuardia are 70 minutes late. I shut it off, disappointed.

I was getting ready to nap when Denis brought the mail. I swear I never get packages, but today I got four! Two from Jeremy who sent me a pound of Ethiopian Yirgacheffe and a CD mix of Page France and Sigur Ros. Another package is from friends in Ghana – a tote bag, perfect for my computer. From Ann in Turkey, I get a disgusting, sick, beaded, smiley-face coin purse. I’d like to know how God managed to converge these things from across the globe and dump them all in my lap on the same day I wrack my neck and my husband dresses me and brushes my hair.

From evening prayers: Before I sleep, I would for a moment rejoice in the loves and friendships wherewith Thou hast blessed my life. … whom now, with my own soul, I entrust to Thy keeping through the hours of darkness. And for all who this night have not where to lay their heads or who, though lying down, cannot sleep for pain or for anxiety, I crave Thy pity in the name of our Lord Christ. Amen. John Baillie.


jenni said...

I'm so sorry about your neck, but you made me laugh out loud twice while reading. I've done something similar and it IS very painful. I find that good mail days always help, and Sigur Rós + good coffee should be extra helpful. I love that John Ballie prayer, too.

Allison said...

Special thanks for adding some laughter to my day... Just as I finally got my son down for a nap, and was preparing to actually take a shower, I just found out they turned the water off in our apartment. ... Looks like I'm going to be stinking up the place until they turn the water back on this evening!

I just found your blog through Megan at HalfPintHouse and wanted to say hello! I am thoroughly enjoying all your posts!

I'm also sorry about your injury, but wanted to commiserate: a similar thing happened to me once when I was a little kid...I spent half the school day with my head to one side until my mom could take me to the chiropractor (which, providentially, was directly across from the elementary school). I did learn that is very difficult to eat school lunches when your head is stuck sideways. (Or upright, for that matter.)

Oh, and my son just woke up! Time to play!

Alice said...

Likewise, laughing out loud, but this time at home and not at Perkins. My dog is wondering though.
Felicitous commiseration!

Shawna said...

You crack me outta hear! Not about the pain of course, sympathies there.

Fantastic isn't it? These carefully workings behind the scene God does, moving hearts to assemble and send packages, for a time when you needed to be reminded of His constant care both for you and the world beyond.

Ransom Fellowship said...

My neck is way better. Your sympathies appreciated. I feel less stupid and in good company with dogs, stinky mothers, and other lovers of God.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you at all (I'm a Covenant Seminary student), but find it beautifully surprising that you said hot sex on your blog.


Ransom Fellowship said...

Claudia, thank you. Best to you in your studies. Seminary can be a surprising place, yes?

Karen Baldwin said...

Stephen and I roared with laughter. And had to squelch ourselves so we did wake our house mates. You truly are hilarious in your description of Denis helping you dress.