Thursday, April 18, 2013

Our Weakest Moments

 It has been weeks now since we have seen the sun. Among other things I have blamed the weather on my attitude. Which is one of scratchiness and resentment. My community (Denis and Anita) have been tiptoeing around me. I am at least slightly, if not clinically, depressed and a little confused. Constantly questioning what should I be doing? What have I done besides beat the pants off ten strangers who think I’m a guy in games of “Hangman” on my iPhone? (Someone should block me.) And seeming to end days having done nothing. That isn’t really the case when I give an actual account.

This morning I left the house intending to go to Dunn Bros Coffee to work, drove there, changed my mind, came back home, parked the car in the garage, left my computer bag on the trunk of the car because I didn’t want to carry it into the house or take it a block up to Caribou where I bought an Americano and returned home. Get it? For all of about six minutes, I risked leaving it right there in broad daylight. When I walked up the drive, OF COURSE, it was gone. I was almost 95% certain it was Denis who found it and took it in. (WHY is it that whenever you choose to do a foolish little thing like back out of the garage – even though you’ve done this easily one billion times- the day your husband stands watching, you smash the side-view mirror against the garage door???)

In my office, I sat down to collect myself and read the next chapter in the book O Love That Will Not Let Me Go: Facing Death with Courageous Confidence in God.  You are laughing. Don’t. I have a friend who is dying of stage four prostate cancer and also my mother is 83 years old – though in good health right now. I want to learn some things.

Chapter 10. “A Witness in the Way We Die” by John Eaves.  (Each of the 22 chapters are essays written by a different person.) John Eaves died in 2004 of metastatic colon cancer. This is from the last sermon he preached. It begins:

Life is not about us. Life is about Jesus and our witness for him in this world. It has taken me a lifetime to embrace this fundamental truth in all of its implications. It has also taken the same amount of time to recognize that our witness for Jesus is frequently manifested in our absolute weakest moments rather than when we are at full strength..”

It ends with:

In our weakest moments, God moves toward us and asks us to extend ourselves to others…

I was overwhelmed as I understood this is not just about end-of-life issues. There are universal implications that address ME where I am at today. So I am confessing. I don’t know how it can be that my weaknesses which are so petty and disgusting in the midst of things like dying of cancer or getting your legs blown off at the Boston Marathon can be of use to anyone?  But I’m here saying that, today, this is who I am. Selfish. One eye on the weather, the other on my coffee cup. I desire to be the person who sees and allows God to move in me and use me in the midst of my imperfections. I move toward you in this small way. I would be so very awe-struck and happy if this extends, somehow, to you who might read this.


deborah said...

It totally extends to me. I want go into all the boring details, but I am right there. Thanks!

Kerri said...

I have been thinking about weakness a lot lately, too. Maybe it's related to my prayer that God would cultivate humility in me? :P
New book by J.I. Packer coming out in May titled "Weakness is the Way"--I can't wait. (After I finish "The Exact Place", of course.)
God has used your weakness in my life today, Margie. Thanks.

Rebecca said...

I wish I had fancier words than, "Yes. That resonates." Thank you.

Sam Van Eman said...

Thanks for the honesty, Margie. I hope the sun comes out soon in all the ways it can.

Sandra Oster said...

Oh, M. I needed this, thank you for your willingness to live a real life, letting the weaknesses of your will show the strength of our LORD.

Lynda said...

Yes, yes, yes! I live there! Thanks Margie. God bless you.

sf said...

Eaves' quote is just BEAUTIFUL. Perfectly stated. Yes, your words have extended to me also. A heartfelt thanks for sharing Chapter 10 of your book. p.s. I would have gone waaaay raving crazier if that had been my laptop gone. Thanks for making me realize, in case that ever happens, that my life means much more for someONE greater than my problems.